"I needed a password eight characters long, so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves."
"My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already."
"Whoever said ‘nothing is impossible’ obviously hasn’t tried nailing jelly to a tree."
"A clever man commits no minor blunders."
"What's the difference between a guitar and a fish? You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish."
"Never criticize someone until you've walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, they won't be able to hear you from that far away. Plus, you'll have their shoes."